cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
