Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
