We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
a search helicopter?!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
