her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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