u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
