I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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