My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
