My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
