Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
