.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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