I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Found your dick twin last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
