Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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