apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
