i wish starbucks made bloody marys
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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