My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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