so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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