yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
