A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
