The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
