He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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