it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
