I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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