How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He felt like a one man threesome
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
