It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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