so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
