Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
