So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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