I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
