he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize