What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize