1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sober January is a disaster.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
