I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
