He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
