apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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