Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
