here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
