I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
