did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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