Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
