Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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