I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
