So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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