i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
