You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize