when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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