Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
