What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize