I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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