i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
