Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
