My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
