Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize