I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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