So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
