Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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