Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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