I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He? As in you personified your dick?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
