I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
