I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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